Saturday, June 15, 2013

Longest side note of my life. (Although probably not, I've probably written longer things in parentheses before... I like parentheses! Go go grammar!)

This post makes me feel a lot better about the state of America- there are more libraries and museums in the U.S. than there are Starbucks and McDonalds.  Here's a map:

Check it out (haha like a book from a library, get it?)  I'm so funny! 

I guess the next step for the U.S. is getting the kids and 20 somethings who are, lets face it, a bunch of assholes (yeah, I'm in that group. I know what I'm part of.  I'm writing about myself thinking that a whole bunch of people on the internet will be super fascinated and amused by my anecdotes.  Tell me thats not something a 20 something asshole American would do.  And then tell me that children aren't douchebags when they aren't looking cute all asleep or laughing when the dog sneezes or holding hands with their grandpa.  They can be real assholes sometimes.  Scientific fact: that is why God made humans think the weird, lets be honest- misshapen, baby's face is so cute- so we would feel genetically compelled to take care of the obnoxious things.  I'm not joking, that is a fact I learned on a documentary once.  Dogs have evolved to have similar characteristics to a baby so that humans would feel compelled to take care of them.  And look how well they are doing.  Jerry Seinfeld once told a joke about how if an alien spaceship landed, aliens would assume that dogs were running the show because humans were walking around picking up dog's poop.  I gotta say, he's not wrong there.  Wow that was a long side note- I bet you even forgot that this was all in parentheses didn't you?)

Anyway, look at the map of libraries and museums, then take your kids there by bribing them with the promise of a Happy Meal later if they are quiet.  Which they probably won't be.  And you'll probably still buy them a Happy Meal after. 

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Food Holiday

Did you know...... that there is a national food holiday for almost every day of the year?  Like June 22 is National Onion Rings Day and the 4th of July is also known as Ceasar Salad Day. 

Fun fact for your day. 

Here's a link to see what all the days are (because I know you want to go right now and see what your birthday food is- mine is coconut cream pie) :


Saturday, June 8, 2013

5 ways to pass a drug test.....

Number one: don't do drugs. (This is my addition- it seems a little obvious but for some reason when you google"How to pass a drug test" that option is not in the top results... DUH!  idiots...)

I suppose I should start  this off by saying that I am not concerned about passing a drug test.  Sometimes when I type slow enough in the Google search bar, it offers me alternative searches that it thinks I may be trying to type out.  Here is what came up:

 Of course, rather than search how to do anything, the majority of people in my "demographic" search for a TV show.  Of course they do.

I kept typing....
Obviously I know how to take a screenshot.....  Google hasn't hit mind-reading psychic powers yet.
Interesting selection, isn't it?  What if someone had to pass a drug test to get a job painting cars in a body shop, failed the drug test because of their obscene drug habits, so, in a fit of coke-induced brilliance, decided they had to move west and pan for gold.  This grand gesture would obviously need a well packed backpack along for the ride. 

So of course, I was curious and clicked on "how to pass a drug test."  Testing has gotten pretty high-tech and it is pretty hard to trick your way out of.  Again, I'd have to say just don't do the drugs in the first place if you fear drug testing.... 

Fun fact I learned from this WikiHow page (that has been edited by 112 people and read 4,341,707 times) is that it is nearly impossible for a dark haired person to manipulate the test results for a hair sample test because cocaine and other sythetic drugs are detected in the melanin (hair color).  THC, however, is detected by looking at the keratin.  Does that mean you could take fingernail samples to test for pot?  Ah, the deep questions of the world of science. 

P.s.  I was trying to search for "how to paint animals" before I got so sidetracked, in case you were wondering.  I'm having issues with my portrait of Douglas, the classy yet cantankerous pug. 

Thursday, June 6, 2013

sorry about that....

I realize it has been a while.......

I really do apologize for that, but life got in the way a little bit.

No, nothing new or uber exciting has been happening.  One friend had a baby.  Another passed their semester with a GPA above 3.5.  And another ran an 8k marathon.  I'm very proud of them all!  Congratulations, friends!  Now back to me:

I have done nothing of note since I have written here.  I participated in a 1.5k fun run (which was mostly walking and had free beer at the end), had a goodbye party for a friend, went on a birthday brewery tour of one of the finest brewery towns in the Northwest (then, subsequently, forgot what I ordered for dinner that evening- because breweries close up at 8 pm around here, so you have to drink up fast!)  then mopped it up with delicious eggs benedict- no english muffin, though, because you know, I'm no gluten (hahahahahahahha  except for the massive amounts of beer I make and drink allll the time)  As a side note, I really want to send an apology to my internal organs, specifically my liver- you do such great things for me and all I do is abuse you.  For that, I am truly sorry.  If there are special herbs or teas or weird foods I can eat to help you, someone please let me know, because my liver deserves a spa day....

Anyway, for all of this neglect, I truly apologize, dear Reader.  Please forgive me and continue to tune in- I promise I'll do better this summer amidst the weekend getaways, wedding planning, and excessive day drinking (which is now wildly inappropriate, seeing as I'm over 25 and there are no football games or birthdays on the horizon.  Maybe I'll just pretend I'm camping... every day)

As my first post back from my hiatus, I'd like to share a quote that I seem to be seeing everywhere these days that I like, even though it is a cliche thing:

"I'm in love with Montana.  For other states I have admiration, respect, recognition, even some affection.  But with Montana, it is love.  And its difficult to analyze love when you're in it."
--John Steinbeck, from 'Travels with Charley, In Search of America'